Failure, Gossip, and Ghosting. The 3 'ingredients' on my decision to Fast

WHY: 

So a little less than a month ago, I failed my LPC exam to begin my life obtaining a license as an “official” counselor of the state of Texas. I had missed it by 10 points. (Whoomp whoomp whoomp)

Backing up a few months prior in February, the plan was to move out, study for my exam, pass it, and then begin a life of familiarity which consisted of working two jobs, paying my bills and having a little leftover in savings. Not too complicated right? However, my heartstrings about passing the test changed over time. You see my intentions started off good---to make for a better future for myself and others as well. But my desires changed as I studied and the success of the exam quickly became my one-way ticket out of Texas. 

My intent quickly became selfish. 

The same could be said in my intentions with the guy I had met around the time I started studying (We’re going to call him “Guy”). The week after I failed the exam Guy was in town. But within his visit, my flesh became my ultimate, displeased, and needed to be satisfied self. Almost ruining the time we spent together because my head was not in the right place. 

Also not in the right place, was my heart. This is in regard to how I should love people. Whether it be family, people in my community, or workplace. And I found myself talking in an unhealthy amount about them with other people. And none of it with God. Because I was feeling hurt relationally by them I turned to an unhealthy amount of gossip that structurally did nothing for my healing process. Eventually making things worse as my heart hardened for the individual the more I gossiped.

Lastly, I had been healing from being ignored and shut out by a few of my friends. In the span of this year, two of which I developed a close spiritual connection with, had “ghosted” me. According a google search and the HuffPost Ghosting is...

So as you can see, being ghosted is not fun. Especially for someone like me who values my relationships and seeks validation within them. I feel I am constantly asking myself "Am I being the best version of myself for you when you need me?" I know that statement is a hot ass mess, but that is for a post for another time...

Consequently and yet very naturally, after a third friend had proceeded to do the same, I leveled into one of my self-awareness panic modes. Reevaluating myself, my actions, the things I’ve said in the past, and so on. Searching for all the hurtful things I have done that I should repent and ask for forgiveness for--- so I can learn to do better. This only leads to the warped black hole of never-ending thoughts because there is little to no reconciliation when being ghosted. You may never know how you can grow through someone else perspective simply because they won't tell you, and ghosting is just that. 

After Guy disappeared for a few days it felt like yet another “loss.” In reflection on everything that had transpired, I felt like I was officially in the season of “losing.” It seemed as though it was time to make some changes. Fasting came screaming across my thought process assembly line and the words, “I need to fast” and “Time to get back on track” came as clear as day and I could really feel the magnitude to which they stood. These thoughts and feelings came flooding in and I knew it was time for me to return to my life coach, love coach, and overall team captain immediately.

After my test, the planner in me did not have a plan. I did not have a “what’s next” but I knew I could not fall into the death trap of complacency. Henceforth, fasting and being reconnected with God felt like my only option at that point. 

I wasn't dreading it, or looking at the upcoming fast as another chore, I was genuinely happy about it. Feeling blessed and thankful to have a God like mine in which I can turn to and lean on especially when I was feeling every bit of lost. 

I knew I could lean on His understanding because I truly find refuge in Him. 

Because my help comes from the Lord <3