Gossip and her Best Friend Worry

It had been a significant amount of time since I graduated from my Master's program and entered into the “real world” of working and adulting. Of course, I am accomplishing adulting-like tasks while in school, but the demand is much different as I was not able to work a full-time job due to the demands of my degree. However, now that I was clear of school assignments, I could work and sleep decent hours of the day. 

But the struggle came in waves as job offers seemed slim and I was not hearing back from the positions I applied for. Days felt like months and the waiting game is one I hate the most with a passion of red fiery flames. I do understand I am probably the most impatient person I have ever met. I’m not ashamed of this part of myself, I just have an understanding that I have to spend more time talking myself out of the ridiculous scenarios of why I am without my mind so creatively creates. 

As the job searches are happening and not happening, I am keeping in contact with a few of my classmates who have all moved on with life. Either back to their home towns or to new areas of the world. Exploring and expanding their work search. I do not communicate with all of them, but with the few, the conversations become very gossipy as we chatty about other people's lives. 

“Did you hear so in so is working here?” 

“Wow!! How did they afford such a place?”

“Geez, I would hate to be in their position”

“Ugh, they had so many connections, no wonder” 

It’s ugly. I know. I was there. 

Definitely not conversations I am proud of. 

And over time, whether it was about old classmates, coworkers, family, or what have you, I finally had gotten to a point when I realized these conversations were not fruitful. 

Nothing good was coming from them. The conversations as much as I tried to justify having them really left me feeling empty and (pulls out feelings wheel) judgemental. 

And as I continued to be honest with myself, I noticed that these were feelings I was creating for myself. Allowing these feelings to fester in a place for far too long and choosing to not do something about them. Blaming others and situations for why I was feeling a particular way in those spaces. 

Simply chooisng to be misurable. 

So at around the time I decided to fast, I recognized a really heavy presence over the Gossip Girl I had become. She was heavy, tired, mean, bitter, ashamed, and defensive. Desiring desperately to feel connected, loved, kind, gentle, and supportive. Blocking my own blessings simply because talking about people left me with a false sense of power. This is when I knew I needed to let go. Let it all go. Because that was a power that if I let it, it would consume me. 

So I fasted. 

Now fast forward a few weeks post fast and I’m sitting in church listening to a passage about Worrying. And the connection hit me. 

Being a bully in gossip had stemmed from my own anxiety. 

Anxiety about the future

Anxiety about the present 

Anxiety about doing the right thing, making the right choices 

Anxiety about if I made the right choices in the past.

It was the perfect bouquet of fucked-up flowers I was sending to myself, bringing into my home, and watering so much they die. But instead of getting rid of them, I would buy more. Over and over again. Self-sabotaging my home, its smell, and the beauty within. 

A deep and dark representation of how, by my own merit, I was damaging space within my own heart. 

Tell me I am not the only one. 

And through anxiousness and worrying, I was creating a monster who simply did not have faith. Did not believe that things would work out. That did not trust in God’s plan and design for me. 

This is my Achilles' heel. 

Worry. 

The bible states in Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV) “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” 

I’ve always been one to be like... “Okay God, you can have like 70% of this thing, but I think I’m going to keep the other 30% JUST IN CASE..” 

Like wtf?

I know it’s been a struggle for me for YEARS. And with all the other things (Ghosting and Failure) being a huge part of where I was mentally a few weeks ago, I knew I needed some assistance if I was going to make real changes. 

So I fasted. And I prayed.

5/24/19 

There is a void that I am missing & trying to satisfy… but it doesn’t get fulfilled by the tactics in which I am using. 

I am going to get stuck here if I stay… 

5/28/19 

Dear God, 

In my heart, it feels like my faith is growing in its ability to let go… letting go of what I can’t control/ the future/ tomorrow/ what I can not see… letting it all go. Developing a complete trust in you at this moment, Oh God. Resting in your reassurance that things will be okay. 

<3 Simone