Ghosting Guy Pt. 2

Two parts of myself stepped forward in the most deliciously aggressive way possible when I started engaging with Guy. 

Distress and Delight. The twin sisters who often pair with each other when I am faced with something different, new, and exciting. Very similar in their behavior, distress and delight often shape executive decisions I will make due to their presence in my mind. 

Yes, I am aware that I tend to refer to my emotions as a separate yet connected entity of myself. It helps me stay crazy yet sane :)

As a complex human being I am not just one thing. I do not hold only one hat and within that chain of differences comes the many emotions that are present when regulating the world around me. I actually find it enlightening when I can truly identify what emotion I am feeling so that I can better manage my actions. For me, my behaviors and emotions go hand in hand.

So, when it came to this new and exciting thing happening in my life, Distress and Delight were front and center. The breakdown added up to be...

• A connection with someone new 
• Admiration for this person 
• Desire to see what would come next 
• Being pursued/made to feel interesting to someone new

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I didn’t know immediately, but I later figured out what I wanted out of my interaction with Guy...I wrote it on April 1st, 2019. Right after we had our first phone conversation. And I wrote… 

(See Pic)

Journal Entry from 5/1/19 

After reading it, now four months later, I am so freaking proud of myself. Things didn’t go south for Guy and I because I didn’t know what I wanted… They changed direction because I DID KNOW! And 2019 Simone is so so sooooo proud of the 2015-2018 Simone because through those single seasons I really worked my ass off to get to know myself better.

During my early 20’s I was very much caught up with the world around me. Consumed in the lives of others and how they lived. Daydreaming such a life could exist for me but not making any significant moves to make that happen. It took a long time to get through my last heartbreak but when I did, I see now that I was experiencing a break-through.

No more was I devoting my life to ensure the future of myself and a partner, no more was I going to give up parts of my dreams to be a follower of dreams around me. It was after my last breakup that I was commited to choosing myself. Something I had never done before. Something within my surrounding community I had never seen. This is where I believe I started to see God’s divine appointments. Appointments that had always been there but now my eyes were open to what God’s love had to offer in the most intimate way possible.

It wasn’t easy. I can be a very resistant person, that’s a fact. However, through it all I was choosing me, choosing love, choosing God. 

A few years later, here comes this new thing in Guy, and I want to jump at the opportunity to love on him and everything that could be with us before checking in with myself first.

“Okay, Simone, what is it that you want out of this.”

Although resistant, I was able to identify what I wanted. Therefore, not long after I did, moments shifted between Guy and I.  

I started to see a change in how he received the information I was giving him. There weren’t as many moments in which we would communicate, and when we did there was a lack of affection in the ways he spoke to me. 

You can say he was starting to show his true colors. But I also like to think I was choosing not to be color blind either. 

I was no longer turning my head away from his behaviors and words that caught my attention. When he would say things like…

“I’d rather be with a girl who didn’t believe in God” 

and 

“I’m currently talking to two other girls” 

"Holy shit! Simone, RUN!!"

You're right, I should have ran to the hills as soon as it came out of his mouth.

But, I refuse to shame that part of myself for not doing so. In order to learn how to balance on a bike without training wheels you have to first learn how to fall off of it a few times. Nonetheless, I won’t shame myself for looking past the red flags I had seen very early on. And instead, I will choose to love myself for going an extra lap, seeing the flags, and taking the next exit off the track.